Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Scared to open that door...

Can I be real honest? I've had the best time working towards completing my 25 while 25 list, but I have this little voice in my head that whispers there will be at least one goal I don't complete.

This isn't a vague, general whisper. It's about a very specific goal -- number 18 to be precise. (Reminder: #18 is to put on the ol' tap shoes and (re)learn this choreography)

Before last night, the reasons included:
  • I don't want to be too hard on my joints, I've got a half-marathon to run! 
  • I'm not sure I'll be able to find some studio space, and it's so terrible to tap on cement in the garage.
  • I don't even know if I remember how to notate choreography. I'm going to need to rediscover those skills so that I'm not hunched over my laptop for hours on end.
  • Do I even have the time to devote to this goal?
Well, last night I sat down to prove to myself that yes, I could still notate choreography. 

After watching the same 5 seconds over and over again - more like twenty times over and over again - I took a break to dry my hair. I let my mind begin to wander, and I realized the real fear that I have... I'm scared to open the door to dance again.

It has become a roll-right-off-the-tongue part of my story when I tell people, "I came to OKC to be a dance major but changed my plan in the spring of my junior year, and I just haven't left Okie land." 

Normally, I can be found having at least one "dance break" during the workday. When I'm getting ready in the morning or washing my face at night, I'm definitely having a mini concert in my house. My soul feels alive when I see a Broadway show, and it turns out I also get teary watching ice dancing during the Olympics...

I know that I miss dancing, but I'm scared to realize just how much I miss it as I work towards checking this goal off my list.

I absolutely know that I don't want to audition for a living, but I miss performing. Maybe that's why I'm such a performer in daily life. Yes Sis, I'm acknowledging that I can be a wee bit dramatic - especially in my storytelling.

Accomplishing this goal will be difficult - not just because I haven't put on a pair of tap shoes in 5 years (I just had a freak-out moment when I realized how long it's actually been), but because it's going to be a mental challenge to banish the "what if" thoughts while I tap-tap-tippity-tap. 

Well, here's to facing all of life's challenges head on! 

xoxo, E