I lied...

About 2 months ago, I was accepted into the first class of the United Way of Central Oklahoma's Board Serve Program.

Needless to say, I was incredibly excited to start the program, and I was completely energized after our first session. We have some amazing leaders in our class. (I have to admit, I immediately started comparing myself to their successes. Shocker. See this post to read how I struggle with comparing myself to others)

Anyway, on Tuesday night we had our second class. As an ice breaker, we all had to stand up, remind everyone of our name and where we work... plus we had to share what we wanted to be when we were 16 years old. Luckily, this was an easy one for me to recall. When it was my turn, I stood and said:

"I'm Elizabeth Newton - event coordinator for Downtown Oklahoma City, Inc. When I was sixteen, I wanted to be a Rockette for a few years, then open my own dance studio. I was a dance major until the spring of my junior year, so that plan stuck with me for a while. Once I decided I liked brownies too much to keep my body in dancer shape (semi-lie), I changed my major to focus on events... and I haven't looked back."

::bold face lie::

"Well, I actually did look back a little bit, so last summer I flew to NYC to audition for the Rockettes."

::sit back down::

    

Two days have passed since our class, and I can't get that "lie" out of my head. Regret is a funny thing. I can stand here and say (sit here and blog) that I don't have many regrets. Sure, I regret certain things from an old relationship, I regret sassing my mom, I regret a bad mood or two at work... I have a few regrets. But I also have a pretty significant one. It's one that makes my heart ache and my eyes fill with tears. 

I regret not being passionate enough about my dream to really go for it when I was "at my best." There's no mistaking the things that I'm passionate about. They move me. Well, my passion for dance definitely had its high and low points. I remember when I took a year off from dance in the 4th grade - I was devastated. I couldn't even talk to my teacher on the phone when she called to talk to me about it. But once the tears dried, I didn't miss it too much. Granted, I went back the next year, but I needed that little break.

Well, when I decided to change my major in college, it was BEYOND time to take a break. Now that I'm a couple years removed from that decision, my heart yearns to be back in a studio. I don't need to be on a stage - although I wouldn't ever turn it down - but I need to feel compelled to move. I need a way to let my emotions out in the most honest and vulnerable way I know how. The dancer in me is fighting to get out.

It's been a tough week, and maybe that's why I can't get my little lie out of my head... But boy, who would've thought what I intended to be a funny moment during my introduction would stick with me like it has?!

I was going through some old photos to find the pictures above, from my audition, and I couldn't help but share these two as well. The first is an outtake from my "head shot" shoot with Cait. This is Elizabeth to a T. The second picture is following my audition in NYC. Maybe it's just me, but I think I look a bit stiff - with a forced smile. (Don't mind the bath towels in the background -- or the bathroom mirror selfie) 

    

Again, maybe it's just me, but I feel like that picture sums up what I felt about that audition trip. I am not born to audition. I didn't feel "alive" in that audition room...

All of that's to say, that I don't know what I'm trying to say. I love dancing and I miss it terribly - so I do look back with a twinge of regret - however, I'm so much happier now than I ever was when dance was "my life." It will always be a part of me. Who knows what the future holds, but for now I'll just keep dancing in the office, down the aisles at Target, and in my car - my own personal Radio City Music Hall!

xoxo, E